here and now

  As I drive to Target I wonder why going to Africa as a missionary seems like a more obedient response to God than ministering to the lost around me? As I take an early morning shower I think about why adopting an orphan from China seems like a more worthy response to God’s love for me than adopting a family in my church for the holidays? While I write a paper at a local coffee shop I wonder why the face of a brown-eyed girl sold into sex slavery on the other side of the world moves my heart toward compassion but the woman selling herself on the corner downtown brings quick judgement? 

I have yet to come to any sort of conclusion to the vast questions racing through my mind and I hope I never do. I want to keep thinking and searching for answers, avoiding the stagnant waters of complacency. Yet for today I think about why we are so consumed with thoughts of far off places, being confident that if we were there we would be living a life of purpose. If we are so sure of that then why are we still here? I’m here because God brought me here and it is indeed a land with people just as lost and in need of God’s love as the children playing in the slums of India. I’m confident God has called people to go and an obedient response to that call is likely the only path to fully understanding God’s purpose for their life. I’m also sure that the call to stay is just as worthy of being answered. My biggest fear of staying is becoming comfortable, as I look around I have noticed that we have become good at shielding ourselves from the need. We change the channel, we drive on the other side of town and we don’t talk to the man sitting on the bench. Maybe staying is really seeking. Maybe we need to live radically right where we are. Maybe the people around us need us to stay...

ISFJ

I found this summary the other day from when I took the Myers-Briggs a few years ago and I was reminded by how extremely accurate it is, this is literally me in a nutshell!

Introverted 
Sensing
Feeling
Judging 

Myers-Briggs description
According to Myers-Briggs, ISFJs are interested in maintaining order and harmony in every aspect of their lives. They are steadfast and meticulous in handling their responsibilities. Although quiet, they are people-oriented and very observant. Not only do they remember details about others, but they observe and respect others’ feelings. Friends and family are likely to describe them as thoughtful and trustworthy. Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings. Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occurred, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

I find so much validation in this :)

The Earth is Yours

This song reminds me that I am not the center of anything and I am thankful. This song makes me want to dance. This song makes me hopeful for heaven.

Beautiful

As I was in my car the other day this song began to play and as I let the words wash over my anxious and overwhelmed heart I felt a calming reassurance that these standards that we deem as success in this life are not from God. So often I desire to be this person that I have created in my mind; the one who has no regrets, a soft response to everyone, a perfect quiet time record and patience without limits. I measure my success as a child of God in my ability to attain certain goals I see as valuable rather than acknowledging that God sees me as his daughter created for a purpose and I doubt that purpose is me comparing myself to the perfect Christian girl my mind has created. I have recently been thinking about the heart in which I desire to pursue God, so often I feel it is out of a quest to go through the assumed motions rather than a pursuit of relationship. I want to pursue God out of a heart that longs to know more deeply the one who sees me as beautiful and who jealously desires to be in relationship with me. 

He sees the beauty in my heart that has more hopes than I dare dream, my mind that has thoughts more vast than my ability to communicate them and the beauty in the reflection of my mirror. He created my passionate desire for relationships with others yet I’ve so frequently chosen to share that with everyone but him. Sometimes I think I just need the reminder that in His eyes I am beautiful and that He desires me to see it as well. In allowing my doubts, fears and regrets to hinder my relationship with Him the only thing I am really communicating is that His work on the cross wasn’t good enough.  

I want to set out to see myself as God sees me and recognize that He values things the world does not. I want to pursue a relationship built on crazy love not crazy expectations. I want my relationship with Jesus to be something that causes others to stop and desire what they see. I want to remember that He has taken all of the steps but the last toward me, I only have to take the final one...

Perfection

     I have been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. When I was little my coloring book pages had to be perfectly colored in the lines and the grass was always green, the sky always blue. If I messed up along the way I would throw it away and start again. I don’t often color in coloring books anymore but my desire for “perfection” hasn’t wavered. When I complete a task and someone says “it looks perfect” it is the complement I appreciate the most. I like cookie-cutter projects, instructions (get with the program IKEA!), and rules because they give me a desired outcome and a tangible knowledge of what is “right”. This need for perfection has long fueled my love for New Years Day and Sundays, they are a chance to start fresh and a sensed opportunity for perfection, though perfection will never come. I will frequently make new goals but when I have gone a week or a month and then mess up I all too frequently throw in the towel and give up. I knew I couldn’t do it, I can’t make it perfect, so what is the point? A few weeks ago I messed up. I thought I was far from the chance to slip into old habits but we all know that at the very moment of thinking we are no longer vulnerable to messing up that is when we fall. My desire for perfection triggered my first response which was to give up. If it isn’t going to be perfect why even try? Then grace rushed in and I realized that a) perfection is a quest with no end and b) I remembered how long I had been successful and how much better I felt. So for all the times I gave up I decided to pick up and try again...thankful for God’s forgiveness and a little happy that someday I will get to meet the One who really is perfect and thankful that He doesn’t expect it from me. 

20

Considering I am turning 20 today here are 20 random things...

1 - I love the feeling in an airport where any place in the world seems possible

2 - Seeing city lights at night sometimes takes my breath away

3 - I love classic children’s books (Goodnight Moon is my favorite)

4 - Christmas and the 4th of July are my favorite holidays

5 - The idea of going upside down on a roller coaster terrifies me

6 - I would LOVE to spend one night in a Ritz-Carlton, preferably the one at Central Park

7 - I collect quotes

8 - Myers-Briggs may have changed my life

9 - I love walking around neighborhoods and looking at houses

10 - Anthropologie is the most peaceful, make my heart happy store that I’ve ever been in

11 - I love the way the ocean makes me feel small

12 - Pirates of the Caribbean might be my favorite ride at Disneyland

13 - I like to vacuum

14 - Reading blogs + a chai latte = one of my favorite ways to spend an introverted hour

15 - Organization makes me happy (hello The Container Store!)

16 - I could watch The Holiday on repeat

17 - One layer of my wedding cake is going to be funfetti

18 - I genuinely like public speaking

19 - People fascinate me, no two are the same

20 - I love dressing up

you are a story

     Every person has a story, a battle they are fighting, a hope they don’t dare dream, a desire that no one knows. We are complex people. Some more than others perhaps but each of our stories are intricate and unique. Some of us are a maze with so many walls that only a few ever make it into our hearts, others are an open book crying out for someone to take notice. I would argue that while we may all be different we all have the same common need, to be known. The greatest type of friend is one who not only knows who we are, but why we are. We are eager to know people but do we care to know why they are? I fail at this often but I am in constant pursuit of intentionality in my relationships. Dare to know others deeply and in doing so you might just find a beautiful friend...